During the process of opening up (shutting down and then opening up again several times) in therapy, something come up that I never even realized has such a profound effect on me to this day, which now baffles me that I hadn't realized sooner.
My approach to this post has gone from tiptoeing around certain terminology to being full on and unapologetic and uncomfortable to encourage others to do the same and own their truth, as I am typing I am still unsure. What I do know is that after around 16 years of keeping it to myself that it most definitely needed talking about, at least to those closest to me. These discussions were incredibly difficult, not only as it opened me up to feelings from the time, and even worse feelings I have about the situation now I have a better understanding but also because I knew it would absolutely break their hearts, which it did.
It is incredibly difficult for me to share for many reasons, pride, judgement, paranoia and shame being some of them, however based on my intentions for what I want this blog to do for others, I have to be honest with myself and with you, in what has been my most significant hurdle during this time.
I was raped.
I still struggle to say that out loud, to the point where in all honestly I don't, I stutter I make weird hand gestures I call it 'assaulted' or 'taken advantage off' all to avoid using the R bomb and to make it easier for others to digest. I told a single person at the time and due to my own hesitation to talk about it topped off with their very casual response, most likely due to how much I played it down from pure discomfort, I never told anyone again until last year. Eventually it literally blurted out when asked about my diminished sense of self worth in a group session, after the tears finally stopped flowing I was taken aside and asked the question 'What do I want to do about it'.
Now I had opened 'the can of worms' I knew I had to tell my loved ones to help me through whatever was coming next, I hated to admit it but I needed them. I went through the process of telling my partner first and then each family member one by one, it was exhausting, it was beyond emotional but it was relieving once done, simply telling them took a weight off my shoulders I really hadn't accepted was there. I was no longer alone with my thoughts on what happened to me. I could not have asked for a better response from each and every one of them, even my Dad who I know internally had extreme emotions about it kept his lid on...for me! Their support was incredible and so so far from the reactions I was expecting from them all, it was hard but it was harder in my head and they will never fully know how much I appreciate them for that, my partner especially.
The decision to go to the authorities after such a long time was a few days of continually weighing up the pros and cons. I wasn't in immediate danger, I have not seen the suspect for years, I was safe now. However, what if others aren't safe, what if others have been through the same thing as me? I went back and forth countless times, sound boarded off everyone that knew, I even scrolled through social media to see if he had a family now as I didn't want to cause any pain to them etc it was a constant wave of emotions and thoughts going round and round in heart wrenching circles, but ultimately I had to ask myself 'What would I want my not yet conceived daughters to do'...So I reported it.
It has been many months now and the case is still open and ongoing so I can’t say too much however I have decided that him knowing that I remember what he done and now authorities know what he done is enough for me, regardless of the outcome (I am a realist, I do not expect any form of 'punishment' due to the time that has passed). I still have days where I let the anger overtake my rationale and want to see him suffer in the face of a jury, I am to be judged by people knowing, he should be too. However most of the time I am now able to focus on having closure from within and I have support when I need it. It may not come up often but when it does having someone there is imperative for my mental and therefore my physical safety.
Please, if you find yourself in a position that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way shape or form be it male or female, be you drunk or sober, a stranger or someone you know, whether you screamed of stayed silent through fear, report it, to a friend, to family, to a helpline, to authorities whoever you are comfortable with telling.
It isn't your fault, it isn't in your head and it most certainly isn't just one of those things. Something happened to me yes, but I am not a victim, I do not even like to be called a survivor. I am the same Leanne I was on the eve of the incident, it may have effected decisions I have made in my life but it doesn't define me, this is just a chapter in my or your story full of chapters we should try to focus on more.
***This isn't nice advice but it could be life changing advice. One piece of information I did get during the reporting process is that you can go to a hospital straight after and have a rape test kit done, they will collect DNA they will take a statement and they will ensure your safety, however what is key here is that you do not have to do anything with it and they cannot do anything with it without your permission, if you choose to go straight to the police then great otherwise they will hold on to it along with the reports in case one day, like me, you decide that its too much for you to carry.***
Please do not feed the unicorns
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