This is an impromptu post, based on todays' news regarding Caroline Flack.
My posts have been very topic specific, only if you have read the My Story page will you have some insight into where this all stems from and why I feel I have any right at all to speak on these subjects. I cannot expect people to speak on it if I do not myself.
Suicide doesn't look the same to everyone or on everyone, I feel this is so important to remember. I wanted to take my own life for a long time but as I didn't want to die I didn't speak on it because 'I would never do that' however as time went on the thoughts turned to when not if, and how not whether. A lot of people have fleeting thoughts about driving their car on the wrong side of the road, I got to a point where I was regularly having to resist the urge.
I finally broke down and told someone out of sheer panic and fear of myself, I was scared of me. I was looking at all household items and analysing their potential for being able to take my life, I mean thoughts like 'No, not strong enough to hit myself with that' 'No, too messy' 'No, too traumatising for someone to find me' and when out and about willing anything and everything to happen to me and take me clean out, that way my family would believe it was an accident and technically I wouldn't be putting them through anything. The thought of putting them through it is what has stopped me, that and talking to someone and getting to the bottom of not if I want to take my own life but WHY I wanted to take my own life.
I genuinely felt I made no contribution to the world whatsoever and taking it even further I was a drain on the world and the people around me. I didn't feel people would be better of without me, I felt and believed they wouldn't even notice a difference in their lives. Dealing with why I felt that way about myself finally felt like I was taking my foot off of the Suicide accelerator, slowing down and really thinking about what I would be missing out on, my nieces and nephews graduating, first girlfriends and boyfriends, my sisters getting married, being able to pay my parents back in care when they are no longer young fit and healthy.
Whatever your situation there is something to live for, you are way stronger than you think, and although you are struggling now, it is not a permanent state of mind, if only you speak to somebody. You are not being ridiculous. You are not weak. You are not incapable of continuing.
Please speak up! I cannot stress it enough, there are people who are happy to listen, no matter how big or small.
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