I have touched on my relationship with alcohol during my twenties before but this post is an open honest deep dive into what I now see was a huge problem, not because I was an alcoholic (because I wasn't) but because what I saw as just having a good time, was totally out of control binge drinking at its finest.
I was never the teen over the park drinking Lambrini and sleeping on the grass, no way! I was a hermit. So I never started drinking until I was around 17 and could pass as my sister on her ID, even then I do not recall ever being 'wasted' until my early - mid twenties, probably because my choice of poison then was Archers and Lemonade haha.
However, I was then 'introduced' to Jack Daniels at the age of 20 and it all went downhill from there, my boyfriend at the time had a 'JD' everyday, there were short periods when I did too. However the times it really become a problem was towards the end of the relationship and after when I was out out, and the one JD & Coke turns to 8 JD & Cokes, a journey home I cannot remember and some questionable decisions. I cannot tell you how many times I was sick after an alcohol fueled night, weekend after weekend, on two occasions having to get off the train to vomit and then get back on to continue my journey to work.
I was the life of the party and everyone around me loved it but at what expense to me? It is clear to me now that I was using alcohol to fuel a confidence that was no longer there. Did I think people that loved drunk Leanne would even like Sober Leanne, No. I was fun, I was Carefree and not a thing in my life was a problem’. So on it went, it got to a point where my nephew who was younger at the time started making comments about me being drunk (I was once drunk at my cousins 1st birthday party) it absolutely broke my heart, so what did I do, brushed it off and got just as drunk at the next opportunity, someone even once said that being 'the drunk Aunt' is all my nephew knows me for, it plays in my head constantly, even though I know its far from the truth, I had provided the weapon that they stabbed me with so it was on me, did it stop me, no. It just played on my insecurities even more.
I am glad to say that my alcohol intake has dropped hugely and although I hate to admit it, I believe its due to the fact I now spend so much time around my boyfriend who drinks very little, I mean, one drink a quarter type drinker, no amount of peer pressure makes him pick up a drink unless he really wants one, his discipline is second to none. I mean, I have also matured and no longer see getting drunk at the weekend as a fix to how I’m feeling but if he was a big drinker I couldn't say that I wouldn't still be too, however, are the traits of me drinking as a cover up still there, Yes.
Unfortunately, I was recently drunk meeting my best friends boyfriend for the first time, so out come life of the party Leanne, I did not want them to be with anxious and depressed Leanne who was out in full force as I had had a rubbish day at work. It wasn't a thought going there but I can now see that that is exactly what happened, it's a thought often summarized in one two word sentence 'F**k it'. That night cost me 1 x Sentimental Tiffany earring, my dignity, 1 x a days wage, a degree of respect from my boyfriend, but most of all my peace of mind. I spent the next day in bed dreading facing up to the night before, it's been proven in multiple studies that alcohol actually contributes to Anxiety and Depression, I wont go into it but if any of the above sounds familiar to you can take a look on the below link and others to gather some facts.
I am now adamant that was the last 'drunk' night, I haven’t, and let’s face it won’t, stop drinking but ‘wasted’ just isn't worth it. I need to explore other means of getting the confidence back to believe that people will just accept me for me and I no longer have to 'perform'.
Please Do Not Feed The Unicorn
......Or not
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